What if Timaya became all of the 16 role models he wished to be on ‘If to Say’?

Timaya-on-BellaNaija.com-01

In 2008, Timaya released his sophomore album, Gift and Grace. The record was a vehicle for timeless hits like Yankuliya, Ogologogma and If  To Say—a mid tempo Afro-reggae song where Timaya detailed an alternate timeline he’d have lived if he was not a musician. It’s been almost 8 years since the album dropped and just like Timaya was thinking out loud, we wondered, tinkered then came up with alternate possibilities for Timaya’s career if he had followed the same path as his role models.

“If to say, I be wrestler, I for become Hulk Hogan eh”

Well, save for a legal battle with Gawker Media over a leaked Sextape, Hulk Hogan is doing pretty fine. However coupled with Nigeria’s shitty judicial system, If Timaya had chosen to be like Hulk Hogan, there’d definitely be a three-year-old pending case between the Eberipapa 1 of Bayelsa and Linda Ikeji over a leaked sex tape.

“If to say I be boxer, I for become Mike Tyson”

Last we heard Mike Tyson, he was taking punches from Donnie Yen for extra cash. For Timaya, he’d probably be begging VIP, Cabo Snoop or some other failed African artist for a feature.

“If to say I be actor, I for be John Njamah eh”

Timaya was clearly still dating John Njamah’s younger sister, Empress Njamah when this song was written and recorded. And considering how far out of relevance the Njamah’s have wandered, we’re pretty sure the picture below will be an apt photographic representation of all he feels.

gif (1)

“If to say I be Governor If for be Donald Duke eh”

As with every Nigerian politician ever served with 50 shades of state debt and EFCC wahala after their term in office, Donald Duke has been quiet for most of his post-governorship years. A Timaya with Donald Duke’s life will definitely be a borrow-poser who goes into hiding after a landing a big score… he promised to pay back.

“If to say I be president, I for become Mandela”

We don’t really understand the logic behind of Timaya wanted to be Mandela, but none of it matters because he’d be dead by now anyway.

“If to say I be footballer, I for become Okocha eh”

He’d spend his life regretting all the bad career moves he made.

“If to say I be Pastor, I for become David Oyedepo”

If Timaya were David Oyedepo, he’d probably own a private jet acquired and maintained via fan contributions on a GoFundMe page he started for the sole purpose of convincing fans to spend their hard-earned money on his career.

“If to say I’ve been freedom fighter, I for be Asari Dokubo”

Another ridiculous role model choice we do not understand, but won’t question, for fear of whoever the fuck Asari “the freedom fighter” Dokubo actually is.

“If to say I be DJ, I for become Jimmy Jatt eh”

For starters, we will call him Timmy Jatt, so the name still works. The rest of his relevance, however, will more a figurehead thing, than any actual pop culture impact.

“If to say I be producer, I for become K-Solo”

There should be a wife-beating joke somewhere in here, but we have better sense of judgement.

If to say I be NLC president, I for become Adam Oshiomole

Ah, he’d have to deal with Dino Melaiye asking him to buy naira to grow naira by marrying home grown women.

If to say I get bank, I for be Oceanic eh

Yeah, this works, only he’d be silently sold to a group of rich white and Middle-Eastern men and on the surface still pretend to be Nigerian

If to say I be Vice President, I for be Goodluck Jonathan

Oh this is a great one. Here, he’d go from zero to hero, then end his career as one of the hated black men ever.

“If to say I be presenter, I for become Andre Blaze”

He’d be performing at kid parties and end of year street carnivals now if this had happened. Thank God for kpangolo beats right?

 

“If to say I get mouth, I for be KeKe and D1”

For this one, he’d belong in the museum of the Nigerian Music Management

Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *